A lifts a sarcophagus straight up and removes the lid. A mummy completely covered in wrapping stands there.
M. Get me out. Get these wrappings off! I want to see! A begins to remove the wrappings. M. Faster, you imbecile! I want to see how the surgeries came out. A. Remember, my king, the methods used were over 2,000 years old. We have no way-- M. No excuses! Remove the wrappings! Quickly, I have an itch on my nose. A unravels the mummy's face, revealing a very pale, very dead face. M. Scratch my nose. The other side, idiot. Ahhhhh. Yes. YES! Thank you. Now, finish unwrapping me. A does. The mummy emerges from the sarcophagus, and strikes a Vogue pose. M. Well? How do I look? A. Uhh...the crowd awaits your arrival, my king. They eagerly anticipate your speech, we've all be waiting for your return! M. Mirror. MIRROR! A wheels out a full-length mirror. The mummy is horrified. M. This is...this is not at all what I asked for! What the hell did I pay you people for? I said I wanted light cosmetic enhancements, not a trip to the local butcher house. Look at this (gesturing to their waist)! What is this? I said curvy, this looks like I'm smuggling oddly-shaped melon. AHH! Look at my face! My once beautiful face, I said, rosy, bright complexion. I look, I look-- A. Dead? M. Oh, you think you're real funny, don't you? You just crack yourself up. A. My liege, you died a couple thousand years ago, you're luck you even have skin at this-- M. Silence. I do not tolerate buffoonery! Come over here so I can strangle you with my wrapping, come here! Matter of fact, just strangle yourself with my wrapping, I haven't the time. Do it. A does. Lightly. M. Harder than that! I want to see your face turn red. Show me that rosy complexion I'll never have! A does. M. (back to the mirror) I can't go out there like this. They haven't seen me in two thousand years, I can't let them see me like this, look at me, I don't even look remotely the same. What happened to my bouncy youthful aura that was both endearing and dangerous? Look at these dark patches under my eyes and my cheeks! I wanted slimming, but this just makes me look cheap. Why do I look like a hooker? I can't go out like this, I'll be a laughing stock, a mockery! "What happened to you!?!" they'll scream! "What happened to the ruler we used to know!?!" They'll jeer, "you disgust us!" Ooh, I was warned, "Don't go under the knife" they said, "it won't turn out the way you want." I wish I had believed them, they spoke true. Too bad I killed them for their insolence...Servant, write letter to their families, apologizing for their deaths. A is passed out, unconscious on the ground. M. And it looks like I'll have to do everything myself. Jesus. The mummy begins to walk off. Catches another glimpse of themselves in the mirror. They have a huge butt. M. So that's where are that belly fat went, huh? Well, at least they something right. Stalks off, looking concerned. Black out. END OF PLAY
0 Comments
A. I'm really gonna miss him.
B. Me too. A. These sheets are nice. B. So is this bottle of scotch. A. Unopened. B. Said he was saving it. A. For what? B. A special occasion. A. This bottle's over forty years old. B. Look at this place, almost everything is in perfect condition. A. I remember it'd take him ten minutes to pull a poster off the wall, took him even longer to put it up. B. I don't want to sell this place. A. We have to. B. But all of his stuff, his memories...it'll all be gone. A. He's gone. No use holding on to it. Like he held onto all this stuff. Didn't even use half of it. B. It's still his stuff. This is him. What about his boat? You want to throw that out, too? Remember all the times he took us fishing? A. That brand new boat sitting out in the yard, collecting rust like old stamps? The boat we used to fish in is long gone. This thing, he was too afraid of tearing it up to even take it out on the water. B. Nothing wrong with wanting your stuff to last a long time. He didn't want to trash it. Sure kept it looking nice...for the most part. A. But he never used it. B. Exactly, and you want to get rid of it. A. I'm not going to use it. Are you? B. No. A. We're selling it. B. No, we're not. A. Yes, we are. B. You are not selling dad's boat! A. You have no attachment to this boat. Hell, he barely had an attachment to it. B. I can't believe you. A. What is good keeping this boat going to do? B. We can keep him close. You just want to sell everything and move on. Get rid of him. Forget about him. and that's that. A. I don't want to "get rid of him." I love him. B. You sure don't act like it. A. I remember ever single fishing trip we ever had. I remember the early mornings, the dry sandwiches, the wind blowing in our faces so hard we almost suffocated. I remember catching fish, I remember not catching fish and being bored out of my mind. I remember the confrontation with that pissed off otter, I remember it all, I'll never forget any of it. And that's how I'll remember dad, not by some goddamn boat parked in the driveway, but by what we actually did. Beat. B. We can sell the boat. A. Thank you. B. Do you think dad'll be pissed? A. No. Wanna crack this bottle? Shot for pops? B. But he was saving it. A. For the perfect moment, I know. If this isn't the time, when's it gonna be? B grabs a couple shot glasses. They pour. B. To dad. A. To dad. And to life. B. To life. They drink. END A-I'm fine! Don't help me up!
B-Why? A-I'm embarrassed. We don't always need help, u know. Would u want help if u fell down? B-Yes! A-Cynic. A few hours later. Wife is sitting on the couch. Husband paces nearby, on the phone.
H. Yes. Thank you. Yes, we will. Thank you again. Goodbye. Silence. H. Betty was pronounced dead en route to the hospital. Silence. H. Are you okay? Silence. H. Honey? She looks up at him. H. Are you okay? W. No, I'm not okay! I am not okay! Are you okay!?! H. No, I'm not okay. W. Okay, why not? H. Someone just died in our house. W. Okay, well then why do you think I'd be okay? H. Okay! (beat) I'm sorry, I didn't know what to say, felt like I had to say something. W. Well, you don't have to! You don't have to say anything. H. (sitting on the couch) Fine, I won't. I'll just sit here and shut up. W. Good. They sit in silence. H. You want any hot tea? Supposed to be calming. Put some mint leaves in it and-- W. Stop. H. Okay. They sit. H. I'm going to go run some bathwater, it's been a long time since I've had a nice bath. Maybe it'll help my back out a bit. Also, I wouldn't mind if someone wanted to join me. Wife just sits, staring off. H. I'm just trying to help, Addie. W. (exploding) Well, I don't need your help right now. If this is your way of helping, I don't need it. Just go upstairs, take your bath and leave me alone! Husband, with nothing else to say, turns and starts upstairs. W. I wished for it! He turns back, waiting for her to continue. W. At dinner. She was calling me fat and bragging about all her success and I wished she would just drop dead. H. You think you did this? W. I had never felt so worthless, so mocked. The way she talked down to me. I am a grown woman, probably twice her age and I couldn't stand it, I just couldn't stand it and I wished for her to die and she did. She did, right here, at our dinner table. It's my, my, I, I...(breaks down). Husband goes to her and wraps her up in his arms. H. There is nothing you did to cause this or could've done to save her. We did what we could. W. Did they say what killed her? H. They're not sure yet. W. What was that rose petal there for? You saw it! It was right there in Betty's mouth. Where'd it come from? H. I don't know. W. Something strange is going on here, Louis, can't you feel it? H. Yeah, I can. Something's off lately, but that doesn't mean you killed Betty. Everybody gets upset, everybody wishes things, doesn't mean you're responsible, it just happened. W. But the petal! And what if the cops start coming around asking questions, suspecting us-- H. Stop! I don't know why the petal was there. There certainly weren't any petals in the food when we were cooking, we know that. And the cops won't come bothering us unless they have cause and they don't have any. I'm going to go start that bath. Again, you're welcome to join me, no pressure. Husband starts upstairs. W. I didn't mean to kill her. I didn't want any of this, I just want to sell that house! That's all, and I thought she could help, but she was trying to take it from me, but I didn't mean to kill her. I-- H. You didn't kill anybody, Addie. I imagine we'll hear from the hospital soon and they tell you themselves. Don't beat yourself up too much, okay? W. Okay. Husband goes. Wife sobs softly. Phone rings. W. (answering) Hello? Yes, this is she. Oh, hello! Yes, the house is still on the market. How far out are you looking? Absolutely. You and your wife? Do you have any children? I think this house may be right up your alley. When can you meet? Black out. PART 3 PART 2 PART 1 A. What day is it?
B. Meaningful Monday. A. Oh yeah! I've still gotta tell someone something meaningful today! What are you gonna do for tomorrow? B. Tipsy Tuesday? I'll get drunk and reminisce about the past. A. Nice. I can't wait for Wishful Wednesday though, there are lots of things I've been thinking about that I wish I had so badly that I don't have! B. I hear that. Throwback Thursday's coming up. What are you gonna post? A. Old baby pictures. B. Me, too! What about Flashback Friday? A. Get this, it'll be me at my current age, but in the same position and clothing as the baby picture! B. Classic! A. Are you going out on Saturday? B. Sordid Saturday!?! Oh, I'm gettin' trashed! A. What are you gonna do? B. I don't know, just be out somewhere shaming my parents. A. Better take it easy on Sunday then. B. Hey, they don't call it Somber Sunday for no reason. I'm gonna pay my respects to my family and people I knew in the past. A. Me, too. Gonna take it easy. Not gonna lie, there's gonna be lots of crying on Sunday. B. I hear you. Beat. A. Man...we've got a full week ahead. B. Tell me about it. END A-Sign here. & here. & here & initial here. Thank u.
B-K. A-Here as well, here & one last time here. B-What is this? A-Legally, u can't ask. A. (singing) If you're happy and you know it, clap you hands.
A claps. B stares. A. (singing) If you're happy and you know it clap your hands. A claps. A. (singing) If you're happy and you know it and you really wanna show it, if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. A claps. B is still. A. Well, you're no fun. What's wrong? B. Nothing. A. Well, you weren't clapping. B. And? A. If you're not clapping, something must be wrong. Now what is it? B. I'm fine. I just don't feel like clapping. A. Don't feel like clapping? Now that's just silly. What's got you all frowny-downy? B. I'm not "frowny-downy." I'm not upset. Nothing's wrong. I'm just not clapping. A. Why not? B. I'm not going to clap just because some dumb song tells me to. A. Excuse me, it is not dumb! Apologize. B. No. A. Apologize! B. To you? A. It's not me you called dumb. B. You want me to apologize to the song? A. Do what's right. B. No. A. You're so angry. B. You know what, yes. I'm angry. I wasn't angry before, I was happy, but NOW I'm angry! A. Why? B. LEAVE ME ALONE! Beat. A. (singing) If you're angry and you know it clap your hands. B stares at A coldly. A smiles gleefully. B maybe explodes, maybe doesn't. END A walks 4ward, but keeps looking back.
A-Still there? B-Yup. A-Still? B-Yes. A-There? B-YES! (exits) A-There? B (OS)-This way. A goes 4ward. A-I like ur dancing.
B-No, I have 2 piss. U dance well though. A-No, my skin's crawling with itchy parasites. They "dance" as music plays. A. Why do you order that horrible decaf, nonfat, skinny beverage? Do you even like it?
B. No. A. Why do you get it? B-Because I believe that we all should be a little deprived. A. You mean miserable. B. Yes, just a little. It helps you appreciate the little things, the good things, and the not so good things. A. How so? B. Because if everyone always got what they wanted exactly how they wanted it, what's the point in having it? I love taking ownership over things I've done, things I get. I like to earn things, not just gifted them. A. How does this relate to your nasty beverage? B. What do you take more care of, something you found on the street for free or something you worked six months to save up for and bought with your own money? A. The thing I worked for. B. What about a secondhand item someone pawned off on you or something you made yourself from scratch. A. That depends on the person who gave it to me. B. Fair enough, I suppose. But still, having pleasure in our lives is necessary, no argument there, but when we are over-saturated with pleasure, we become desensitized to its worth. It's value drops dramatically, becoming almost an expectation. It's no longer desired or craved. It goes from a fortuitous welcomed blessing to an unappreciated servant. A. What in the world are you talking about? B. I'm talking about the horrifying self-satisfying personality disorder our culture is propagating. Aren't you listening? A. Yeah, it sounds like you're talking about your struggles with porn addiction. B. I'm not! A. Well, I'm confused. B. Well...I'm confused now. A. So...are you going to order the drink you actually want. B. Yeah, screw it. Mama needs her happy juice. END OF PLAY |
The Project
|