A-U hurt me with ur silence. It aches & stings like a splinter lodged under my fingernail.
B-... A-U're doing it now. B-... A-It hurts!
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A fruit stand. A sells fruit. B wanders by. A melon catches his eye. He stops.
A. Fresh fruit! Fresh fruit here! B. How much for the melon? A. $4.50. B. Dollars and cents?? Forget it. What about the peaches? A. $1 each. B. You've gotta be kidding. Highway robbery. The dragon fruit. How much? A. $1.30. B. For dragon fruit?? They're smaller than the peaches. A. They're also imported, man. I've got expenses. $1.30. B. Not in this lifetime. Not in any lifetime of mine, frankly. Look, you seem like a business man, let's talk. I'll give you $.89. A. You're crazy. B. Like a fox. $.89 out the door. A. No. B. Come on. You say you've got expenses, selling fruit at discount is better than selling no fruit. Be smart. A. $1. B. Now you're in the game! $.95 plus I tell all my friends to shop here, that the fruit was excellent. You get some cash plus good publicity. Can't beat it. A. You beat it. B. What? That's how you talk to your customers? A. You have to buy something to be a customer. B. I'm trying to buy something right now. I'm saying $.95 for the dragon fruit! A. $1.15. B. $1.15?? For dragon fruit? I've never even had a dragon fruit before, you expect me to pay $1.15 for something I haven't tried? How do I know it's good? Is it even ripe? A. Yes, it's ripe! The freshest fruit here. Now, are you gonna buy it or not? B. Okay, calm down, calm down. We both want the same thing here. $1.05 plus publicity. A. Fine. B. Alright! How much are you taking about for the bananas? A. Oh my god. $.79 a pound. B. $.79 a pound? That's cheaper than dirt. Where are you getting these prices, man? Okay, look if I wanted three peaches, a pound of bananas, and a dragon fruit, how much would you charge me? A. $4.85. B. I'm buying in bulk though! No discounts? A. $4.85! B. That's more than the melon, man! What kind mess is that? I've got good hard-earned money I'm trying to spend with you. A. Do you want the melon? B. Not for those prices. If only the peaches were just a little cheaper. A. $.90. B. Per peach? A. Yes, per peach. B. Okay, okay. What's the total on that? A. $4.64. B. And what, that's probably two, two and a half pounds of fruit? A. Yes, two and a half. B. And how much do you think that melon weighs? A. One and a half pounds. B. One and a half!?! And you're charging how much?? A. $4.50. B. $4.50 for one and a half pounds of fruit? Come on, man, that's not even right. A. Do you want the melon? B. No, I'm just saying...you're getting over on people! One and a half pounds for what you're charging versus what you're charging for the rest of this stuff. That melon should be at least $.50 cheaper. A. Okay! You want to hear me say "you're right?" Will that get you to shut up? (sarcastic to the fullest) You're right! The melon should be cheaper! Why, never mind what it costs to get it safely here and still fresh. It should only be $4 because you say so. I'll knock $.50 off because according to your extensive research, that's what these melons should go for. How silly of me to try to make a profit in order to keep this stand running to make sure my family does not go hungry. What a stupid, stupid man, I must be. From now on melon I will charge $4 for the melon that you don't want. Are you happy now? B. Chill out, man, I didn't mean to get you all riled up. I was just sayin'. Awfully nice to look after your customers like that though. A. Look, I don't have all day! Are you going to buy something or not? B. I am! A. Okay then, three peaches, one dragon fruit, and one pound of bananas. $4.64, please. B takes out his wallet. Opens it slightly and peers in. Looks back to A. B. I'll take the melon. END OF PLAY The year is 2154. Scientists, wearing helmets pull a capsule out of the ground. A video screen hangs in the background. Both scientists are an ambiguously brown race of people.
S1. Doc! Come take a look at this. S2. What is it? They open the capsule. In it is a USB thumb drive and tablet. S1. The inscription says "The American Dream. Video Document of Life in 2014." S2. My god, 2014! This could be a historic find, we hardly know anything about the ancient world. Is there a way to access it? S1. It runs on USB, it looks like. S2. It'll do. Plug it in. They plug it into a device and a video begins to play over the video screen. It is a montage of all things AMURRICAN in 2014 (take license to put anything you feel relevant into this video). S2. This is incredible. Scientist 1 follows along on the tablet. Both scientists ad-lib responses to the video. S1. It says here that here that 2014 was a time of great social awareness in matters of race, gay rights, sexuality, and women's equal rights. They look up at the video to see a clip of "Maury, a typical paternity test result show. The video then flashes to Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown headlines and news reports. Gay weddings, Pride celebrations. Photoshopped models then business-savvy women. Miley Cyrus twerking. S2. Good chrysanthemum! What is that? S1. According to this, it is something called "twerking." It appears to be a dance that originated in the early 1990s, integrated into hip-hop culture through New Orleans "bounce" scene. Later, in the 2000's, the dance was misappropriated and popularized, sparking controversy on a national scale, with some saying that it perpetuated stereotypes. Vanessa Hudgens twerking. Switches to people rioting. S2. Fascinating. The video switches to various clips and headlines of President Obama. Some of him from tabloids with words like "Gay Sex Scandal," others are of Obama with a Hitler 'stache, with "Down with the Socialist!" signs. S2. The nation's first African-American President. The video shows numbers and statistics, and probably a few shots of George W. Bush. His two-term presidency, though marred by scandal, war, and economic recession, yielded mostly positive results and proved him to be one of the better leaders of the country of the 21st century. Yet, S2. Yet he was still hated by half the country? And they are mocking socialism! Video switches to music video clips. S1. Music played a pivotal role in the countries shaping of social ethics. The music video for Bubble Butt by Major Lazer, Anaconda by Nicki Minaj, Up in the Club by Yelawolf and anything else that feels right. S2. Oh my! S1. The climate was in great decline. The video switches to images of the polar ice caps, smog-filled skylines, S1. But efforts were made. Solar panels, hybrid electric cars. Recycling planets. Sports clips. Team winning the Super Bowl. A guy amongst a raging mob in the streets. He shotguns a beer, yells triumphantly, then calmly walks over to the nearest recycling bin and disposes of the can, runs off screaming. The video moves faster and faster. Clips of the Olympics, school shootings, reality TV shows, etc until it finally comes to an end and goes to black. S2. What happened? S1. I think it's over. Either that or the rest of the data is corrupted. It's a fascinating mystery though. I mean, all the people who lived here, just vanished. S2. Perhaps, we'll never know what happened here. S1. Still, what a find, doctor! S2. Yes. Let's get back. The whole world is waiting to see what we've found. S1. Yes, doctor. (Beat) Doctor, what do you think happened here? S2. I don't know. I think that if you get too far ahead of yourself, then it's impossible to see where you're headed. You can only see what's behind you. S1. You think that's what happened to this civilization? S2. I think the past was a scary place. Let's go. They exit. Blackout. END OF PLAY A-Why r u staring @ me? B-I'm not. A-I saw u. B-So u were staring @ me then? A-I glanced. B-Like what u saw? A-Didn't see much. B-Bye then. A-What would u do if I did this?
B-This. A-What if I did this? B-Then I'd do this! A-What about this? B-This? A-And this? B-This. They kiss. A and B sit in reclined beach chairs. A cooler between them.
A. Looks like it's gonna be another hot one today. B. Mmhhm. A. Wish I had me an icepack or better yet, one-a-dem fancy fans that splash water on you and cool you off with the wind. B. Mmhhm. A. Pass me somethin' refreshin' out that cooler, huh? B opens the cooler and hands A a can of beer. A. That's what I'm talkin' about. Nothin' cools you off like a ice cold brewski. A opens the beer and takes a sip. Sand pours all over him. He doesn't seem to notice. A. Ahhh. Damn, that's good. B. Mmhhm. A. They say the world is gonna end soon. You buy it? B. (indifferent) Mm. A. Yeah, I hear you. It sounds like a buncha bull to me. I mean, seems like every other week you hear about the ice caps meltin' or pollution and greenhouse gases. Every few years it's the end of the world in some ancient culture's calendar somewhere, it seem. But no matter what people say or how worked up they get. The next day comes and goes, huh? B. Mmhmm. A. Goddamn, it sho' is hot, ain't it? Keep this up, we won't live to see the end of the world. We'll be done got melanomas up to our hairlines. B. (dusty chuckle) Hehe. Mmhm. B pulls out a beer for himself, cracks it open. A. What's your biggest fear? If the world ended tomorrow, what wouldja kick yourself for not doing? B is sipping sand out his beer. A. Ah, hell. I guess it don't really matter. If the world's gonna end, it's gonna end and worryin' about what we did or didn't do ain't changin' that, I guess. I mean, we've done all we could do in this life, right? I worked for forty plus years, I put my time in. Never had kids of my own, but you seen this world lately. Nobody in their right might would bring a child into this world anyhow. What you got? People killin' each other over religion, people killin' each other over land, people killin' each other over gas, people killin' each other over race, hell, people even gettin' killed over what type of person you like. If somebody gettin' killed just because they like another kind of person, I mean, what hope do we got. This ain't a good place to bring a child into. Ain't no place at all. To raise 'em. To bring 'em up. To show 'em the ways of the world. To teach 'em to only do right, not wrong. And then sit back helpless while the world does wrong to them; treats 'em horrible. (tears well) Takes them away like they had no right to even be here. No fun in that. The end of the world better come right now, ain't no use stickin' around, we just wasting time. I mean, all time is a waste of time, just livin' takes time, but still. B. Mhm. A. How hot does the thermometer say it is? B pull thermometer out of the cooler and holds it up to the sky. A. A hundred and sixty degrees!?! We almost hot enough to cook chicken! That thing must be broken, can't be right. Can it? B grumbles. A. You believe in God? B. Mhm. A. You go to church every Sunday? B. Mhm. A. Every Sunday? B. (shame-filled) Unh-uh. A. See. Tryna act all "holier than thou." You as bad as all us sinners, probably worse. What messed up stuff you do in your life? B. Meh, hm. A. Uh, huh. You better come clean, I'm tellin' you. The apocalypse gon' come. The mountains'll explode, everythang'll catch on fire and burn, and the skyscrapers won't be scraping the sky anymore; and you gon' wish you'd repented. Don't come lookin' for me when the demons are chasin' you 'cause I won't have nothin' for you. I'll be in heaven. B gives a good throaty laugh. A. I know you're not laughin' at me. I'll be up in heaven relaxin' with a beer and floatin' on a cloud...in silk boxers. I just hope heaven is cooler than this right here on earth. 'Cause if I get to heaven and it's still hot like this, I'ma have a few words for God and most of 'em'll probably get me kicked out. See, the way I figure, God done punished enough in life. He done punished me all my life so when I die, he'll feel bad for treatin' me so bad and give me a top condo in heaven, that's what I figure. I may not go to church every day, but I believe that if you a decent person in your life and you stay decent, you'll be all right--you'll go to heaven. That's what the bible tell us that. Jesus died for our sins. Died for us. And as long as we do right by him, we'll be forgiven. B. Mmhm. A. 'Xcept for you. I know you got some skeletons in your closet. That's why you won't say nothin' but a few grumbles, huh? 'Cause you know somebody's metatarsals'll come flyin' out. B looks at A in surprise. A. What you didn't think I knew that word? And watch what you say, 'cause you might really put your foot in your mouth. (beat) Goddamn, it's HOT! B opens the cooler and pulls out a space heater; the cable snakes out of the power supply cooler. B positions it in front of himself and flicks it on, hitting him with warm air. A. You been holdin' out on me? Ooh, you're really goin' to hell! Bring some of that my way. B positions the heater on top of the cooler. They scoot their chairs closer together. A. Ahh. That's a little better! B. Mmhm. They drink "beer." Time passes. A. Well, what now? B shrugs. A. Just wait, I s'pose? B. Mm. They drink. Suddenly, a low, bassy rumble shakes the world. A heavy shadow begins to overtake them. A. Here it comes, man! You better say your prayers. Rumbling gets louder. A. Get to repentin'! Shadow closes in. Louder rumbling. A. (sipping beer) Here we go. B. Mmhm. The shadow has completely covered them in darkness. The rumbles grow to eardrum bursting levels and--- Black out. END OF PLAY A, B, and C stand around a rather large cage containing a very dead bird which lays at the bottom, feet straight up in the air. A's got a bag, B carries an umbrella, C holds a cup of tea.
A. Who killed my bird? B and C point at each other. A. I mean it! Which one? B. Not it. C. Not it, either. B. It might not be dead. (B opens the cage door and pokes the bird with the tip of their umbrella.) B. It might be dead. C. Oh, it's dead. A. Someone killed him. He was alive when I went to work this morning. Where were you all day? B. Work. Then the gym. I'm just getting in! A. What did you do before you left the house this morning? B. Nothing, I made a pot of coffee, scarfed a bowl of cereal and ran out the door. A. Uh huh. And you?? C. I was here. A. And? C. I took a shower. A. Did you let any steam out?? C. Steam can't kill a bird unless it was blowing directly on it for a good length of time. A. When did you notice my bird was dead? C. Right before I called you, so around 1pm. A. Then what'd you do? C. I went shopping, then to the park. A. You went and treated yourself to new clothes and a day in the sunny weather knowing my bird suffered a horrific and tragic death? C. I didn't think he'd mind. A. It's disrespectful. C. Sorry. A. What the hell happened to my bird? C. Look, I don't know. It died, I called you, I went out had some "me" time, came back and made a cup of tea. I don't know anymore than that. Maybe it was just the bird's time. Maybe that giant cage in the sky was calling its name and it was just time. Think about it. All the bird seed you can eat. You could poop into clouds instead of onto newspaper. Isn't that awesome? A. Yes, but still, he was still too young! Did someone turn the heat on? B. No, we're in the middle of summer, it's blazing out. A. Well, then what happened? C. I don't know! Look, we all have lives, we can't just stop what we're doing to look after a bird all the time. A. I know, but three competent people should be able to keep one bird alive. C. That's true. B. Very true. Beat. C. Well, it wasn't me. B. It wasn't me! A. And it wasn't me. C. Want some tea? A. None for me! B. I know! Let's have a moment of silence for...what's his name? A. PETEY! C. Petey. Petey the bird. Please bow your heads...for Petey. A. This is not a joke! Now someone here killed him. I was at work all day. He was alive when I left. You two were both here at least for a little bit. He was dead when I got home. Something had to kill him. He can't get out of the cage. Something had to go in and choke his life away. It doesn't make sense, none of it makes any sense!!! B. Shhhh, shhhh. Here sit down. Just breathe. Take it easy. A. Do you have a cat by any chance? B. We've lived together for three years, you'd know if I was harboring a ferrel cat. Just calm down. Eat something, it'll make you feel better. A pulls out a bag of grapes. B. There's got to be a logical explanation for your bird's death. Neither of us murdered him in cold blood, but--- C. Wait a second. Did you feed him this morning? A. Yes. C. What did you feed him? A. I ran out of birdseed so I dropped a couple of grapes in his feeder to hold him over. C. Did you wash them first? A. No. C. Jesus. Those grapes are probably covered in pesticides! A. So...I killed Petey? B. Yep. A. NOOOOO! B and C sit down and start eating grapes. END A-I want 2 b a master like u one day.
B-U will never be a master if u aren't always a student. A-Mind=blown. B-Good. Now pass the lighter. A. Hey, so I have a question.
B. I have an answer. A. What would you call us? B. What do you mean? A. I mean we've been seeing each other for a few weeks. I like you. You like me, right? B. Yeah. A. So, are we dating? B. Of course we are! A. We are? B. Yes! A. That makes me so happy! B. I'm glad. A. (pulling out phone) I'm telling everyone right now! B. That we're dating? A. Yes! I'm so happy and I just want to share it with the world. Hey world! I have a boyfriend. B. You do?? A. Of course I do. You. B. Me? But we just started dating! A. I know! These few weeks have been amazing! B. They have, they really have, but I wish you'd told me that you had a boyfriend. A. You're my boyfriend! B. (Bewildered) Really? A. Yeah, dummy, you just said you were. B. When? A. When you said that we were dating. B. Wait, so I have a girlfriend? A. Me. B. You? But I barely know you! A. That's why we're dating! B. But wait, are we dating or are we in a relationship? A. I don't see the difference. Do you like me? B. Yes. A. And I like you. B. That's good. A. It's great! So we're definitely boyfriend and girlfriend now. B. We are? A. Yes, silly, that's how dating works. B. Since when? A. Since, well since the beginning of time. B. I doubt that's true. A. Prove me wrong. B. Well I...I just don't think that's how it has always worked. Did cavemen date? A. Yes, they found each other, smelled each other's scents, walked around the woods for awhile, killed an animal, had a nice meal over a fire, laughed and shared stories. The following winter, they had a baby and the start of a family. B. Are you pregnant? A. No, dumb dumb! Gosh, my boyfriend is so silly. B. Just to be clear, you're not referring to someone else? A. No, to you! B. Your boyfriend? A. Uh huh. B. Which is me? A. (holding out her phone) Well, check the Facebook status, you tell me. B. It appears I have a girlfriend. A. Who??? B. You. A. ME?? You are TOO sweet! I love you! B. Love? A. Love! (going nuts) YES!! B. Huh? A. Yes, I'll marry you! Oh my gosh! B. Huh? A. You are the most romantic person I've ever met. B. Look, we're still young. A. I know. I know this a big step and I have to say I am nervous, but your confidence gives me confidence. Of course I'll be your wife! B. Thanks? A. I love you, future husband. B. I love you? A. (kissing him) Awwww! END A-Hey, wut do U do when someone u don't want 2 talk 2 comes ur way?
B-I hate that! Prob'ly fake a phone c-- A-Oop sorry, gotta take this! |
The Project
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