Hair grows everywhere Shave it, itch, scratch and repeat #werewolfprobs
0 Comments
A and B are dressing.
A. Well, that was-- B. Yeah. I felt it, too. A. I'd better go. B. No! Won't you stay? A. I can't. B. Why? A. You know why. B. Fine. Will I see you again? A. Perhaps. Beat. B. Did I do something wrong? A. No. B. Are you sure? I just feel like you're upset. A. (Flash of anger) I'm not upset! B. Okay. Hey, just because you're dead, doesn't mean you have no feelings. Share them with me. A. Look, it's just...Okay. You let me taste you. B. Should I not have done that? A. No, that's fine. That's great--it's what I wanted. It's just...you've been eating gluten. I can taste it in your blood. B. Oh. Well I-- A. Save it. You know I'm not doing gluten right now and you've basically spoon-fed it to me. B. I'm sorry! I really didn't mean to. It was an accident. It won't happen again. A. You're right, it won't. B. Pizza. It's that damn pizza, I just, I had to taste it. A. Well, enjoy you're pizza, I'm going. B. No! Please! A. Let go of me. B. Please! A. I said LET GO! The sun's almost up. A tries to dash. Can't. A. God, I feel so sluggish. I'm probably going to have to catch a LYFT home. See what you've done to me? That's great, that's really great. Don't try to find me. A leaves. B wraps a bandage around their bloody neck. B. I'm sorry... END A-Ah! It's raining leaves!
B-So? A-So hide! U wanna die? B-Leaves don't kill or "rain." A-S'not what I heard. B-What'd u hear? A-I heard t-- Lights up. G rushes on hurriedly looking in a particular direction, he is quite sure he knows where he's going. DeAndre, dressed nicely is following G, looking worried and unsure.
D. You sure it's this way? G. Yes, I do! Haven't you been here before? D. No. That's why I'm following you. Have you been there? G. No, but I know where it is, in theory. D. G! Do you know how to get there? G. (Beat) Of course. G looks circles around himself, taking in the world, trying to get his bearings. He gestures in a big sweeping motion. G. This way! D. Which way? G. There. D. You're not pointing anywhere, G! G. Give me a second. Beat. G. (pointing) This way. D. Are you sure it's that way? There's nothing but trees ahead. I kind of feel like a courthouse would be somewhere with more city sidewalks and you know, buildings. Those are concrete structures, varying in size, use to house-- G. I know what a building is. D. Do you? G. I know the concept of one. D. We're lost. G. Hey! Do you know where you're going? D. No. G. And I do, so settle. We're going this way. They walk all the way to one side of the stage. G. And here we are. D. Where are we? G. The courthouse. D. This is not the courthouse. G. Yes, it is. I'm never wrong. My senses are spot on. D. Well, this time you're wrong. The address is 404 Jefferson St. Where the hell are we? G. And this doesn't look right? D. Not at all. I wanted to go to the courthouse downtown! G. Oh, I thought you wanted to go to the courthouse in the middle of the woods. D. There is no courthouse in the middle of a bunch of trees, G. It's a fucking forest! G. Oh... D. I'm going to be super late. Thanks a lot. This is all your fault. G. But you followed me! D. I didn't think you were going to take me out into the middle of the goddamn forest! You're the worst, Google. G. DeAndre, I'm sor-- D. The WORST! Google hangs his head in shame. END OF PLAY Hey hey there, brotha! They done ate all of my bread. Gon' eat they ass up. CAST OF CHARACTERS
A - Live Demonstrator B - Another Live Demonstrator NARRATOR - Well....they narrate. NOTE: When the play shifts into the CENSOR IT mode, only the words in bold are spoken aloud, the rest is mimed in a truncated fashion. Lights up. B stands, waiting with nervous expectancy. A rushes in, out of breath, barley able to contain their excitement. B. Congratulations! A. Thanks! Did you like it? Did you like my play? How was I? B. Congratulations! You were...you were so terrific. (searching desperately for words) So... A. Be honest. B. I hated it. Every moment of it was like witnessing a masterpiece being violently drowned and sodomized before my eyes. A. And me? B. You are possibly one of the worst actors on the planet. It's a great script, and yet everything you said and did was so unnatural and completely unbelievable. It astounded me how bad you were. A. (broken) Gee, thanks... N. Stop. Everything freezes. N. Has this ever happened to you? Ever been made to feel completely and utterly worthless because you did the foolish thing by asking someone to "be honest?" Rotten luck. But today, your luck's about to change. (pulling out a phone) Introducing the Censor It app. Censor It saves you from embarrassing, heartbreaking public humiliation by selectively editing out the not-so-fun parts of your every day conversations that lead to despair, shame, and a lowered sense of self-worth. Simply place the bluetooth earpieces in both ears and activate the app just before that uncomfortable situation (B demonstrates) and enjoy! Let's watch this scene again. B. Congratulations! A. Thanks! Did you like it? Did you like my play? How was I? B. Congratulations! You were...you were so terrific. A. Be honest. B. I hated it. Every moment of it was like witnessing a masterpiece being violently drowned and sodomized before my eyes. A. And me? B. You are possibly one of the worst actors on the planet. It's a great script, and yet everything you said and did was so unnatural and completely unbelievable. It astounded me how bad you were. A. (on a cloud) Gee, thanks! N. Doesn't that just make you feel like a dozen puppies? Say goodbye to spending your hard-earned money at the bar, drinking away your feelings. No more hard drugs to help wrestle with heartbreak. Censor It is the answer you've been searching for. A. You're breaking up with me? B. Of course I'm breaking up with you, you cheated on me! You act all innocent, but you're nothing but scum! My best friend!?! Really? This really hurts. It's not just that you broke my heart, but it's also that you don't respect me...The way you treat me, you've consistently made me feel like I was less of a person for years. I have tried to fix this relationship, to work on it, but I realized that you made me hate myself. My family's warned me about you. They told me not to fall in love with you. They could see into your pure evil soul from the beginning. Yes, I'm ending it. They told me not to fall in love and now I regret it! You're despicable and I hope to never see you again as long as I live. You know, one day, you're going to wake up and hate yourself. You'll see that I made your life amazing and without me there, you'll see just how much of a fantastically miserable human being you are. Goodbye. I'll never miss you. N. Yeesh. We don't like that at all, did we? Let's try that again, shall we? A and B swap the earpieces. A. You're breaking up with me? B. Of course I'm breaking up with you, you cheated on me! You act all innocent, but you're nothing but scum! My best friend!?! Really? This really hurts. It's not just that you broke my heart, but it's also that you don't respect me...The way you treat me, you've consistently made me feel like I was less of a person for years. I have tried to fix this relationship, to work on it, but I realized that you made me hate myself. My family's warned me about you. They told me not to fall in love with you. They could see into your pure evil soul from the beginning. Yes, I'm ending it. They told me not to fall in love and now I regret it! You're despicable and I hope to never see you again as long as I live. You know, one day, you're going to wake up and hate yourself. You'll see that I made your life amazing and without me there, you'll see just how much of a fantastically miserable human being you are. Goodbye. I'll never miss you. N. Isn't that amazing? Censor It fundamentally changes your perception of the world and deals with your problems for you, so that you don't have to...even if you caused them! This life is hard, but it doesn't have to be. Get the Censor It app for your smart device today and start helping yourself feel better about yourself. Censor It, helping the world not give a shit about anything...one day at a time. Only three easy payments of $99.99! Get yours today! END A-What happened 2 u? B-I haven't ridden a bike in years. A-And? B-Apparently, u do forget how. A-Happy birthday!
B-Oh, hey. A-Wassup? B-Nice of u 2 show. A-R u mad? B-U didn't say u were coming on Facebook. A-So? B-Guess u're not here. A courtroom. Defense Attorney and their client, the Prosecuting Attorney with their client, Mr. Bryson (who's in a neck brace), and the Judge.
DA. Your Honor, let the record show that the plaintiff sat in the restaurant and ate the entire meal before the waiter was stopped with the complaint. J. Noted. PA. Your Honor, in my client's defense, when you are a long time patron of a place of business, you expect the quality of service you're used to, every time you walk in. Furthermore, when you don't get it, it's even more difficult to bring to the attention of the establishment. DA. Your Honor, I would disagree with that. It would seem to me that the more familiar you are with an establishment, the more familiar you are with the employees, not only the employees, but the policies as well. You'd think if there was an issue, one would be able to address it quite easily and swiftly with little fear. Why didn't the plaintiff bring up the fact that his bread was stale and allegedly "crunchy"? J. Mr. Bryson, if you would indulge us? Mr. Bryson looks traumatized. DA. Hey, it's okay. Listen to me. It's okay. Just walk us through what happened. B. Well, it all happened on Friday, October 3rd. I was on my lunch break when I decided to stop in to my favorite restaurant. I ordered my my usual: a BLT with extra bacon, three slices of tomato placed in a triangular formation across the bread, at room temperature, on grilled sourdough, diagonally cut. And fries, lightly seasoned, again, room temperature. DA. And what happened when you received the meal? B. I took a bite and well, for one, the tomatoes were certainly not placed in a triangular formation on the bread, after the first bite, one of the tomatoes nearly fell out, I had to stuff it back in. On my second bite, I began to notice that the bread was a bit hard, and didn't give way easily. DA. What did you do when you noticed this? B. Naturally, I was flabbergasted. Never in all my years of going there had I experienced such a thing. I tried to give it a chance and took a few more bites. I had to get back to the office anyhow. So I continued to eat. DA. Then what happened? B. The sandwich was not up to par and the fries were not room temperature--they were scalding, but I ate what I could. After awhile, I could feel stinging where the rugged bread had cut my gums and the roof of my mouth. DA. What did you do at that point? B. Well, I thought to myself, "this sucks." DA. And then? B. I caught one of the servers on their way to the kitchen and let them know the bread was stale. They didn't seem to show much concern. DA. What did they do? B. They apologized several times. But they didn't offer me any refund. DA. Did you ask for a refund? B. No. They should have offered. DA. What happened next? B. I left. Back at my desk, I could feel the stinging getting worse, my skin was now raised where the bread made contact with my gums. I'd lost feeling in the tip of my tongue due to the burns I sustained from eating the fries. I noticed that my neck started to feel a little stiff. I had severely limited mobility and had to take off the rest of the day. When I woke up the next morning, I could barely turn off my alarm clock without any pain, that's when I sent the corporate office an email. DA. Mr. Bryson, you're suing for the cost of the meal, plus a year of free unlimited meals. B. That's correct. The sandwich caused me physical and emotional pain, and cost me hours at work, and it was all ignored by the staff. DA. Mr. Bryson, you purport that the food you ate caused all of this damage, yet you only reported "stale bread" to the server. You didn't ask for any refund and left quietly, and most astonishingly, you ate the entire meal. My questions are why wasn't the bad sandwich not reported immediately and how was the server supposed to know that you would've liked a refund for a meal you had already entirely consumed without complaint? B. As a server it is your job to please the customer. So to answer the question of how they were supposed to know, they just should, it's their job. If someone says anything at all, they are entitled to restitution. DA. Even if you consume the entire meal? Even if you knowingly eat something that will cut you, that will burn you? Even though you yourself did these things willingly? B. Yes. I expect them to do what they get paid to do. DA. Your Honor, with all due respect, this is a farce. You can't-- PA. Your Honor, it is clear that the server did not satisfactorily perform the duties of their job. Why should my client be punished, when it was not he who overcooked and served stale sourdough. It was not he who didn't cool the fries sufficiently before serving them. The only thing he did wrong was put trust in the incompetent, heartless staff at this restaurant. My client paid good money for a subpar service. He is a victim here. Furthermore, if you let these thieves walk out of here today without being held accountable, there is no such thing as justice in this country. DA. Your Honor, can we take a look at the evidence? J. I'll see it. Defense Attorney hits a switch and a projector shows a photograph of a plate with smeared ketchup and a few crusts of bread. DA. As you can plainly see, the plaintiff ate the entire meal, and is not entitled to a second meal. PA. Your Honor. The customer is always right. All we're asking for here is justice. Grant us that. J. The court finds in favor of the plaintiff. The customer is always right. The Judge bangs gavel. END OF PLAY A laughs. B enters.
B. What's so funny? A continues to laugh. B. Hello? Hey! What's tickled your funny bone? A laughs. B. Why are you laughing? A. Have you tried it? B. I've laughed a bit in my lifetime. A bursts out laughing again. B. What's funny now? A. I have no idea. B. Then why are you laughing? A. It feels good. B. Massages feel good. A. So does laughing. Try it. A laughs. B. You shouldn't be laughing unless there's something to laugh about. A. Why? B. Because laughing makes you look like an idiot. A. (Burst out laughing) What? B. If you're laughing, it's because you are either insane or you just haven't a soul. A. I think having a soul is what makes laughing possible. B. It's going to get you into trouble. A laughs even harder. B. Stop it. Stop laughing! A. Try it. B. Not if there isn't anything to laugh at. A. Why? B. Dishonest laughter is insulting. A. To who? B. To me. To anyone being laughed at. A. You mentioned not having a soul, but laughter heals the soul. B. And crushes others. A. (chuckles) Ease up. You live in the same world as I do, there's plenty to laugh at. B. Yes, I do live in the same world and it's tragic. A man in Michigan just accidentally shot himself while trying to teach is girlfriend about gun safety. A pauses. A BURSTS out in laughter, doubling over. B. That's horrible! A. You don't find that funny? B gives a slight chuckle, then stops it. B. No. No, I don't. Someone just lost their life, that's funny? A. What would you rather do, cry? B. No. A. You can't laugh, you can't cry. What else is there? B. Sadness. A laughs. B. Now that's funny? A. No, that's depressing. B. Then why are you laughing? A. I don't want to cry. B. So, we should laugh to spare ourselves from pain? A laughs. A. We should laugh in spite of pain. A laughs. B. Don't you get tired of laughing? A. It does hurt after awhile (laughing). B. Laughing causes pain. That's a perfect reason to laugh, in your eyes, I suppose. A. Absolutely. If you're going to be in pain anyways, might as well laugh about it. Tell me a joke. B. Why did the iceberg feel so cocky? A. Why? B. Because it stayed afloat after being struck by hardship. A stops chuckling. A. That's messed. B. What? Why? A. Ever heard of the Titanic disaster? Ship hit an iceberg and sank to the bottom of the Atlantic ocean. Over fifteen hundred people died. You're a terrible person. B. What? How am I the terrible person? You asked me to tell you a joke, I did. A. I asked for a joke, not a morbid quip about one of the greatest tragedies of our time. B. But you--the Michigan man--and the... A just stares in silence. Suddenly, A breaks into hysterical laughter and rolls to the ground. B chuckles a bit. A bit more. Finally, B is overtaken with laughter. They laugh. The laugher grows and grows. B. You're right. Laughing is good for the soul. END OF PLAY |
The Project
|